Can you hear my cry?
by lilskystar
Summary: Self-harming, that's what Goldstar try to deal with. She tries to get help but she denies it thinking she can get out of that by herself. The Autobots try to help her but she gets deeper and deeper. You don't like self-harming, dont read it.
1. That's how it started

**Hey you! Yes you, the reader! In this story, a delicate topic will be developed and it will talk about self-harm. I couldn't stop thinking about writing it or not and I finally decided to write it. This story is not based of someone, it's based on self-harm in general. If you feel like you are described here (I know it's TF universe ;p) it is pure coincidence. This story is based of all the situations I've known about self-harm. I have read some articles and watched videos too so there is the proof.. Reader, if you don't like the topic, don't read it. Thank you.**

**Do not own TF only Blackstar a.k.a Goldstar.**

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><p><strong>Goldstar's POV<strong>

I just can't get anymore. I don't know how to let it out. Another day like the others. I'm tired. No. Not tired saying that I need to recharge. Tired in the way you would like to recharge and never awake. I wish someone could understand me, could listen to what I want to say but I'm not asking for help either. I want it to come from the skies like a meteorite from nowhere. I'm Blackstar. My real designation is Goldstar but I hate it. It's too positive as name. I'm not a gold star and my frame is coloured red with some white strikes not even close to be a golden frame. About the star, well, I'm a jet. I don't know if the star as a link with the fact that I'm a jet. Seriously, I don't give a pit about my name. It just doesn't fit with me. I never asked to be created, I never asked to be an Autobot. I don't regret to be one but being in their team just make them act like I was part of their family. When you are in a family, there's a bond that is created. It's not a bond like sparkmates or creation-creator bond. No, it's a simple bond. You feel an union between your teammates. They treat me like a little sister but they shouldn't. Not with the bot I am. It's a shame. The only thing I wish is that that fragging pro-

**Ironhide's POV**

" Goldstar! It's time for your training!" that youngling seems so lost these days. Every time I speak to her, she blinks her optics like she came out of a river of thoughts. I don't know if I should get worried about that behaviour. Maybe it happens during youngling-hood. For the moment, I will try to talk about it to the others. I'm sure I'm not the only to have noticed that. She is coming my way now. Always with her head down.

" Everything is okay?" I feel I didn't have to ask her that. She scowls at me as if I asked her if she wanted to kill me. Okay, I gotta admit, I went a bit too far.

"Yeah and my name is Blackstar!" What a way to answer rudely but I won't add a word at. I know she is not feeling okay but I don't want to put pressure on her asking again. Why does she insist on that designation? Her real one is Goldstar not Blackstar.

"Listen Ironhide, you gotta stop asking me if I'm okay. My head hurts a lot these days so it explains all. I'm sorry if you got concerned about how I was." she left me. I knew I didn't have to ask her that. I will go see Ratchet. Maybe he knows a bit about Goldstar's conditions. Younglings are hyper, always happy, enjoying everything around them but she, she is not like a normal youngling. Prowl is going to give her the lesson coming, I just hope he could help her. Thinking about it, Prowl is not the best mech for talking. I should ask Jazz to do it instead of Prowl. He knows how to start slowly a conversation. I'm just really concerned about her.

"Ironhide! I need to talk with you." I get out of my thoughts and see that Powerglide is coming to me. We don't really talk a lot but I guess he needs to do so.

"What is Powerglide?"

"I crossed Goldstar in my path and she had a desperating face. I don't know if I'm the only one, but she doesn't look okay." Well, well, well, so I'm not the only one to have noticed that. Good. Knowing that I'm not the only one, I think it's time to visit Prime and talk him about our preoccupations or perhaps, we are overreacting. Better do it now than never.

"I have noticed that too. What do you think we should do?" I ask him in case of he could find another idea.

"Well... Talk to Prime?"

I agree with him. We both had the same idea. Would she get angry if she knows we talked about her to Prime? Because she shows an immense respect for him, she tries not to disappoint him. He's a kind of father or better say an adviser.

**Goldstar's POV**

I hate when somebot ask me if I'm okay. Do I have tears on my face? Is it write on my forehead: I'm desperated? I don't think so. Anyway, I should stop putting that face and I should smile instead. Yes, I will smile for the rest of my days alive. Isn't a good idea? Time to see if it works. Victim number one, Prowl. There he is. He was waiting for me by the way he is crossing his arms and tapping his pede. He is total authority as mech! Wish he could be the one that helps me but as I said, I won't run after anybot to get help.

"Sorry Sir to be late." I show a big smile trying to hide what the others call desperation.

"It's okay. You came and that's the most important. Ready to start your training?" he walks directly at the control panel. I guess he is preparing a training-simulation. I really like them. I haven't battled a decepticon yet because they say I'm too young for that but I'm waiting for the day I'll get that opportunity to offline one by my owns servos. I would like to burn his optics first, after I'd like to shatter all his frame with delicate attention. I want to hear him beg for his life. I would certainly like to ta-

"Goldstar? Goldstar? Do you hear me?" I blink getting suddenly out of my thoughts. As always. I shake my head trying to erase all the negative thoughts. I smile and nod at him.

"Sorry Sir. I was thinking about how to destroy my enemy in this training." he smiles at me. How I appreciate him.

"No need for, youngling."

"No? So what is the training about?" I'm so curious. All the trainings I had before were to attack my enemies and now, Prowl comes with another training? How cool is that?

"You didn't hear me uh? I was saying that it's one of the hardest training for an Autobot what you will do today. I think you are mature enough to handle that kind of training. Am I wrong?"

Mature? Hardest? Handle that? Wow! I just can't wait anymore. I want to try this new training and he'll be with me so if I can't continue, he will be there to help me.

"No Sir, you are not wrong. I think I can handle it." I smile proudly to him. He pats me and nods understanding that is time to start it.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"Will you be with me during the training?" the loud noises of the machine preparing the simulation start to stress me.

"I will when you will learn to call for help."

Did he really said that? Did he? When I will learn to call for help? I don't understand what's the problem with him! I'm angry. I'm definitly angry. I don't like his comment. I'm gonna show him that I don't need any kind of help! ANY!

"In three. Two. One. Training begins!" The automatic voice of the room annoys me. I wish they could change the voice of that ugly machine. I look at Prowl, he is behind the vigilance room and he nods at me, it means I have to start. When I turn around, all the empty training room is a forest. It totally looks like all the forest of the others training. I hear a crack behind me. I guess it's a droid. I turn around annoyed, aiming the droid that will appear. I take the attack position and sigh, expecting what I thought. Suddenly, I see a little sparkling coming out of a bush. He is crying. It's a little mech. I frown and place my gun on my weapon case on my back. What is a sparkling doing in this training? He runs to me and hugs my leg. I scoop him up and he snuggles his little head on my shoulder. I rub his back and suddenly I hear a loud feminine scream. That's so creepy! I embrace the sparkling as comfort. The sparkling looks at me and point me with his fingers of him toward the direction of the scream. He is shaking.

"What is it little one?" I really don't understand what's the point of this training.

"Mommy!"

I frown and walk toward the femme. The sparkling ask me to put him down and I do as he wants. I walk slowly toward the weak breathings forgetting about the little mech. What I see freezes me. There's a femme, laid on the ground, with her carrier open. She moves her head slowly and looks at me. She points in front of her. I really don't know what to do. I just hate that!

"PROWL SIR!" I want him to explain me what's the purpose of this training.

"Monster." She gives her last breath. How creepy is that training! I call the sparkling but he doesn't come. Where is he? I walk some foot away from the offlined frame and I hear a little noise. I turn around and notice that the sparkling is eating his OWN MOTHER! CREEPY AS FRAGGING PIT OF PRIMUS!

"PROWL! Stop the training now!" Oh Primus, Oh Primus, what should I do?

"Sparkling! Stop eating your mommy! That's an order!" I start to shake, her mother is getting alive! HOW CREEPY! HOW CREEPY! SLAG!

"Autobots are useless!" the sparkling talk to me but his voice is grave and that's certainly not coming from a sparkling.

"Uh?"

The femme tries to push the kid away from her but the said sparkling just punches her. In her optics, I can see the fear when see looks at me. I don't want to turn around. What is going to appear now? A loud crack made me jump. I feel a servo on my shoulder and I freeze. A heavy breath just tells me that is not a nice bot. The little sparkling is grinning evilly to me. I decide to turn around but I only see grey. Colour grey.

"Me-Meg-Megatron?" I hope is not Megatron! I never fought with a mech strong like him. I barely can destroy 10 droids and he equals 500 droids. How am I supposed to fight him? He bends down and his optics scare me. Evilness. Pure evilness. He motions with his finger calling the little mech. I close my optics. I'm too scared. I'm praying Primus to save me. I hear the creation squirming and when I open my optics, I see Megatron torturing him. I just can't believe myself. He is killing a sparkling.

"AHHHH!" his sparkling's screams force me to attack Megatron that makes him to let the sparkling down rudely. He walks toward me and slaps me. I fall on the ground and see the sparkling trying to help me. I'm an Autobot, I'm the one that should protect lives! I get up quickly and start to shoot at him. He takes the sparkling again and aim his little head with a big gun.

"I offline him or you become one of us. You decide." he is torturing slowly the poor kid. I don't know what to do. The sparkling or to renounce at my side. I don't know! He was eating his mother and said that Autobots were useless and now, Megatron is torturing him. What should I do? I want to save him but I don't want to be one of them and I'm not sure if it's a trap. He keeps torturing him. I can't hear his cry anymore. I close my optics and place my servos on my head trying to think but the situation is too hard. I just can't. I fall on the ground crying. A shot. That's what I hear while I'm crying like a crazy.

"Training is over now."

I raise my head to see Prowl standing in front of me. All the forest disappeared. The room is empty again. He has his arms crossed. He doesn't look happy at all but I don't care. I'm happy that the training is over.

"Well... I thought you said I was not wro-" I interrupt him by giving him a hug. I'm still in shock and I need to feel secure. He seems surprised by my action but I don't give a slag. He returns me the hug. Wow. His hug is so full of honesty, of comprehension, of love and aid. I don't know why but I start to cry. Again. I feel confident with him. I have no reason to feel like that but I just can't explain. I cry like pit. He seems to understand me and he hugs me more. I cry and cry. I just can't stop. After a while, I'm in the state of hiccuping. I keep hugging him.

"Golds- I mean Blackstar, you know I'm always around to listen at you." I nod slowly, my head resting on his chest. Some minutes after, I thank him and leave the training room with no more words. I run to my quarters and think about what I just did. Did I really hug him? Did I cry in his presence? What a shame! How stupid I am! Arghhhh! I'm angry. I'm furious against my stupid behaviour. Arghhhhhh! I want to punch myself for what I did! Stupid I am. Stupid I am. Stupid I am. That anger is invading me. I sit on my berth and see the little knife Sunny gave me on my desk. It suddenly calls for me. I don't know why but I hear it saying "Try with me!" I'm insane! I take the knife and examine it. A beautiful knife. How is that good for me? It doesn't help at all. I should let it on my desk as it was before. I'm trying to relax, to analyse all those negative emotions but I can't! OWWW! I just accidentally cut my arm! I'm not worried about it, I just feel... calm now. I don't understand it. It's so relaxing! Wow. I feel empty immediately of my frustration and all those emotions. Is it a magic knife? I should try again! Hm... Where? Maybe on my other arm. Ready? Take a deep breath and let's g- ... Somebot is knocking at my door. Argh! Next time then!

"Uh... Hi Ratchet!" I didn't expect that he would be the one in front of my door when I opened it.

"Hi Goldstar. I would like to do a simple check-up on you. It has been a long time you have not come in my medbay."

"What? Uh... A check-up?" I'm healthy. I don't need a check-up! "Sorry Ratchet but I don't think I need a check- u-"

"What happened to you?" he takes my arm and look at the cut. He looks worried. " With more reason you will come at the medbay!"

"No! I just did it during my training."

"Sure? Why didn't Prowl tell you to come see me?"

"Oh... Uh... Err... He...He didn't notice it." I smile during all the scene I'm creating in front of him.

"In my medbay now." he orders me but I don't want to go there.

"No. Thank you. I'm really tired. Is nothing! Thank you. Have a nice day and I can take care of that by myself."

"But you don-" I frown and he seems to understand that I don't want his help. "Alright. If there something wrong come rapidly in my medbay okay?" I nod and wait him to leave. I close the door after seeing him goes away.

My first lie about a cutting. Wow. I feel proud of me but at the same time, it's a shame to lie about something not normal. That cut was just for today. No more cuts in my life...

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><p><strong>Alright that first chap was a bit too long... I don't think this story will be a happy one... I said it. It's talk about a delicate topic! Take care of yourself you all.<strong>

**~lilskystar~  
><strong>


	2. Meeting time

**Okay... Here goes the other chap. Seriously, I warn you again, this story is not like the others so don't expect funny moments here. As I said, I'm not talking about someone. This story is purely based on what I know about self-harm. Thanks again. **

**Don't own TF**

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><p><strong>Ratchet's POV<strong>

I'm getting concerned about that kid, Goldstar. She is too young and she already looks depressed. That cut, I will be honest with myself, that cut didn't look natural. Prowl should have done something about it and the energon was fresh. I really don't know how to react. I should go see her again or no! I will go see Prowl first. I need some answers.

**Prowl's POV**

Goldstar... I don't know what she is living but I hate to see younglings crying. I wanted to talk with her but I preferred to hug her. I think she really needed it. I can't stop thinking about her. I feel bad to had challenged her with that training. She is too young for mental training. How stupid I am.  
>I just wanted her to be ready for every case that she could live as future Autobot but I forgot she was too young for that. I have a lot of things to get done but I can't focus on without thinking on Goldstar. Somebot is knocking my door. I guess it's Ironhide with the twins again. Will they not understand their punishment?<p>

"Sorry Prowl to disturb you but I need a talk with you." I didn't expect Ratchet in my office but I guess he wants to talk about Goldstar.

"Take a seat and feel comfortable. Want an energon cube?" I know he is a busy mech like me and I think we both need a little break.

"Please."

I give him his energon cube and he takes a sip. He sighs. I guess is nothing good what he has to say.

"Prowl, answer me with honesty please.

I frown, I don't understand why he's asking me that. He knows I'm a honest mech but I nod.

"What happened during the training with Goldstar?"

"Why?"

"Just answer me?"

"Is she okay?" I get worried now. Why is he asking that? I really don't like it!

"Answer me Prowl!" he raised his voice.

" I-I started the mental training with her."

"You what?" Alright, I'm in troubles. I knew I didn't have to start training her with that kind of situation.

" I thought she would be able to handle that. She demonstrated me that she knew how to deal with a simulating battle training so I thought it was time to go at the next level. Mental training."

" Prowl! She is just a youngling! You start mental training when they are femmeling or mechling not before!"

"I did a big mistake, I know."

"You really did! Never do it again! Wait until she becomes a femmeling. Here's my other question. Did she get hurt?"

"Hurt?" I knew she cried during the training but I guess it was because of the pressure on her with the situation.

"Just answer me!" growled Ratchet annoyed.

"Hm... She cried during the training but nothing else." I'm expecting a bad reaction from Ratchet now.

"She cried? She CRIED! Why Prowl! Why?" he got up and started to walk in circles.

I want to offline myself for what I did to her. I'm getting conscious of my acts and what I did was serious psychological damage.

" I'm sorry Ratchet. I overestimated her."

" You know what? She told me you knew she got a cut during the training."

"What?" I never knew about it. I didn't even notice that! With the years training younglings, I can detect wounds easily. I even bring them at the medbay.

"You didn't know about it?"

"No! Of course not! You know I bring younglings directly at the medbay if they get hurt during a training."

"I know Prowl, I know. I just wanted to be sure of what she told me. Thank you."

"Are you telling me she cut herself?"

"I can't really say if she cut herself or if it was an incident."

"Ratchet, I'm very concerned about her."

"I know. Many bots are feeling like you. I think it's time to talk with her."

"No! Is not the time yet! We should let her come to one of us."

"I agree. I give her a week. If things are getting worse, she will become our first priority."

"You should talk about this at the others and tell them to let Blackstar in peace."

"Blackstar? Her designation is Goldstar. Why are you calling her that?"

"She told me her name was no more Goldstar so I do as she wants."

"Why?"

"I really don't know. I question myself about a lot of things of her."

"Alright. Try to do your best to find some answers and DO NOT BY THE LOVE OF PRIMUS, TRAIN HER WITH A MENTAL TRAINING AGAIN! And thank you for you time and honesty." I nod and he leaves as soon as he finished to warn me. My mission now is to try to find what is the problem with Blackstar.

**Goldstar's POV**

I'm locked in my room since the training. I can't stop thinking about the sparkling that Megatron was torturing. Arph! I'm so a robo-chicken! I'm also thinking about the lie. I really didn't cut myself, it was an incident. Yes it was. Was it on purpose? Was it what I wanted? I look at my arm and the cut doesn't seem so beautiful but I got to admit that it helped me to let out what I was keeping for so long time. Next time, I think I'll do it again. Yeah! I feel so stupid, so useless. I want to kick myself for the femme I am! I want to cut myself to offline. I'm becoming a droid, forbidding my feelings to be what they are, changing my designation, changing my personality. It's getting hard to live with that! I want to scream out loud and let all the feelings free! They cry to get out of me but I'm to stubborn to let them out. Seriously, I would like to hug him again. I felt free, I felt like everything vanished suddenly. I was Goldstar while I was in his arms but every moment has his end. Blackstar. I'm Blackstar. I was an onlined star on the skies. Shinning of beauty, innocence, happiness and love. Suddenly, that beautiful shinning star felt. It felt losing everything beautiful it possessed. I shine no more that's why I became Blackstar. What a special name for a special droid. I'm getting upset about myself. A storm of feelings is taking a big place in my spark. I hate me! I hate the femme I am! I hate the Autobots! I hate the love! I hate happiness, I hate everything! I hate my life and they should also hate me. I want to cry but I can't. I feel it is stuck. I want somebot to hear me. That knife. That knife is calling for me again! I can't stop looking at it. It is on my sight, I should take it and hide it. I could also... Try to cut again! Yes, that's what I will do. I will cut again, maybe I will feel better. Take it Blackstar! Take it and do it. It won't kill me. It will only relax me. I don't know where to do it, the knife is in my servo, I'm just waiting for the right moment. Okay... Here I go. I will take three deep breathes and cut again. One... Two... Three. Ow! It hurts! Ow! Ow! It is done now. It's over Blackstar. My left arm is shaking, no, I'm shaking! I see the cut leaking, how beautiful is the energon when it leaks. I feel so calm. It's unexplainable how quickly I get relaxed. Did I really cut myself? Did I? What a success! I found my way to let all the feelings out. Oh slag! Somebot is knocking again at my door. Oh slag! Oh slag! I will pretend to be recharging but it's still leaking! Hm... A rubber bandage or take my teddy bear and put it on my arm. Oh slag! Okay okay... I'm recharging now.

"Knock?"

It's Prowl! Oh slag! No no! He is getting near of my berth! I'm stressing!

"Blackstar?"

Did he really call me Blackstar? Did he? I really love him!

"I think you are recharging... See you after." he covers me with my blanket and rest his servo on me. I really want to jump over him and hug him and cry again but I have to keep recharging. That's the least I can do for now. He kissed my forehead! I want to cry! I feel the tears coming down. Don't cry! Phew! He is gone!

**Optimus' POV**

In my years of Prime, I dealt with different situations. Each one with a solution. I never had to be stuck trying to find how I could resolve it but today, I'm definitely shocked. I never had to deal with such case but I won't let one of my young soldiers die in the dark, away from us. Certainly not a youngling. Its of my responsibility to keep all my men saves. She is maybe too young to live as an Autobot already. I have to keep her safe. she is the youngest member of this base and because of that, I must protect her of everything, including self-destruction. I really don't know how to react. I don't understand why is she doing that. We are maybe to strict with her. She is a youngling after all. She needs to play and feel loved but I guess we are failing with many things. I have to talk with my soldiers. They need to know about that.

**Jazz's POV**

I was dancing on mah beat and having fun when I heard Prime call us for a meeting. Aw! They always have to interrupt my fun, the meeting is better to be of a big importance. Those mechs don't know how to enjoy life!

**Goldstar's POV**

I heard Prime call all the soldiers. When they have meetings, I'm not included because I'm too young. I asked Grimlock what they talked about during the meetings and he said it was about techniques they should improve for the next Decepticon's attack or about problems in the base. Nothing interesting and I'm happy not to be present in there. That dinobot is so nice! He really cares about me and he respects me. Not saying that the others don't respect me but Grimlock has his own way to respect me. He doesn't see me like a youngling, more like a soldier and that's what I want. Yes I'm a youngling but I'm almost a femmeling. In few time I will be one. Now, while Ratchet will leave his medbay to go at the meeting, I will try to find a way to make that energon stop to leak. Oh! And I will also try to enter Sunstreaker's workshop to find a can of paint. Hm... Hope he has shining red as colour. Time to get that mission done.

**Jazz's POV **

Everybot is in the meeting room, waiting for Prime to appear. They are trying to know what Prime will talk about. All this month, we didn't have to battle against Decepticons. I think they are planning a master evil plan against us. Oh! There's Prime. He is followed by Ratchet and Prowler.

"Thank you Autobots to be present. Forgive me if I interrupted you while you were doing something."

"Yeah! Ah was dancin' on mah beat ya know! Tell us Prime, what's da' matter?" Ratchet and Prowl glared at me and Prime just shook his head. Uh-oh! I better shut next time.

"Jazz. Your commentary was not necessary. You can leave if you want." Prime's voice is serious and he waits to see what I will do. I stay sit.

"Sorry Sir." I feel ashamed of myself. I use to say commentaries like this and Prime just shakes his head but today, he doesn't seem to allow it.

"Thank you." he nods and look at the others mechs. "If there's anybot that want to leave, do it now. What I will talk about is serious." He waits again and nods ready to begin his speech.

"Autobots, you are here because, one of our young soldiers is living a hard situation." All the old mechs looked at Bee, the twins and Bluestreak and they quickly widened their optics, feeling the stares of the elders. "No no! The soldier is not present here." Saying that, the elders looked back at Prime and the youngest soldiers sighed in relief. Poor mechs but if they are the ones living a hard situation, who is the soldier?

"Goldstar!" shouted Skyfire out loud.

Oh! Goldstar! Why didn't I think about her. She is not present here and she is the youngest soldier but is happening with her?

"Exactly Skyfire. Who I'm talking about is Goldstar. Many of you have came in my office concerned about Goldstar's attitude. Some of you have told me she has been disrespectful, stubborn or even violent. Others have told me she seems depressing or bored. We, Ratchet, Prowl and I have talked about her, trying to know what is happening but for now, we don't have any idea. What we need from you is, first of all, if she tells you her name is Blackstar, don't ask why, just call her Blackstar. Secondly, don't put pressure on her asking questions. If she wants to speak, listen to her and don't start asking questions. Thirdly, if you see some scratches on her, please, go see Ratchet, Prowl or myself."

I don't believe myself. Goldstar is dealing with a situation that I didn't notice. That kiddo doesn't have to live that. I won't let her get deep in that. Oh no I won't! Uncle Jazz to the rescue.

**Goldstar's POV**

I'm back to my quarters. It wasn't that hard to get what I needed. I... stole some medical stuff to Ratchet, for the future...? And three cans of paint. I hope Sunstreaker will not notice it. Now, I got to get to work. Usually, the meeting doesn't take more than thirty minutes but today, I guess they are talking an important subject. Pff... I don't really care for now. Another day almost done and I spend it in my quarters. How boring I am. I should not stay that long in my quarters they could think that I'm deeply depressed. Argh! I hate them. I was thinking about that... Is it really necessary to cut myself? I mean, why did I think about that way? I know is not okay but it feels so damn good. Oh! I hear steps! I guess they finished the meeting. Time to go out and do like nothing happened. My second cut can't get paint because it's still fresh but... I will try to hide it the best I can. Ah! Anyway! They won't notice that!

**Skyfire's POV**

I was walking, a bit on shock about what Prime told us when I saw Goldstar coming my way. I tried to hide my feelings.

"Hey Kid! How are you?" I ask nicely.

"Oh! Hey Skyfire! I'm a bit bored and you?" she doesn't seem depressed at all. She looks happy.

"I'm going to my lab, I have to help Wheeljack on a super project." I smile.

"Oh! What's the project about?" she seriously look healthy! Ok ok, I have to stop trying to look for any sign of depress.

"Oh! Well since you a semijet and semicar, we are trying to find a way to make you go faster."

"Really? You are working on a project for me?" A huge smile appears on her face. Her optics are full of sparkles.

"Yes!" When I kneel down at her level, to look directly at her into her optics and invite her to my lab, I see a weird scratch. I frown.

"What's the matter Skyfire?" I try to keep my cool but it's hard.

"What is that?" I point at the wound with a serious tone.

She looks at me and scowls me. She push me and leaves, running. "Goldstar! Come back immediately!" She yells me no and continues her walk. Alright! I have to tell Prime or Ratchet about that! It's of my responsibility as elder.

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><p><strong>there... That chap is long! :O Primus! XD forgive me.<strong>


	3. Run away

**There's the third!**

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><p><strong>Blackstar's POV<strong>

Stupid Skyfire! STUPID! I guess he will spread the 'horror' about that little cut! I have to lie again. No... I will make a kind of mini run away... During this time, I will paint that cut and when I will be back, Skyfire will look like a fool for saying that I cut myself when it was not true. I'm smart! Time to go!

**Skyfire's POV**

I was almost having a spark attack! I never thought Gold-I mean Blackstar would have done it to herself. I was seriously concerned about her. I'm not a medic but my knowledge is not only limited on science. I also know about Transformers Anatomy and that cut was not situated in a place where you usually get hurt. On her upper arm, you can't get a cut like that! Only way is fighting or training! Alright, I won't tell Optimus about it but I will keep a straight optic on her.

**Prowl's POV**

Blackstar... Blackstar. Why? Why are you hiding yourself? If you knew how much you mean for us, how much we are concerned about you. You're underestimating us. You think we are soldiers and nothing more. No, you are wrong Blackstar. We are friends, we are confidants, we are family not only bots with purpose to fight. I remember the first day you came here. You were so young. Your creator died and that's why Ultra Magnus placed you here. You were only five vorns. A little youngling. Cute. Shy. Prime and Ratchet came back from Vos with you. You were almost sleeping when you entered for the first time the rec. room. Bee, the twins and Blue were waiting for you. The only femme youngling In the base. How happy they were. When they saw you, they ran happily except Sunstreaker. You buried your little frame in Prime chest. He chuckled and reassured you they were nice younglings that they only wanted to know you. You kept your frame buried until Ratchet told Prime to put you down. You whined and Prime calmed you. I was in the rec. room because Jazz told me to go check if there was something wrong with the aerialbots on their last mission. Everything was okay and Jazz came a little after. That's when we both saw you. Bee and Blue were jumping around Optimus' leg wanting him to put you down. Jazz almost acted like them when he knew you were cuddled on Prime chest. I just noticed little wings and I didn't see your face. I'm not the kind of mech that likes younglings or get hyper like Jazz does but that day, when Ratchet glared Prime to put you down and that you were on the ground, standing on your pedes, I remember I wanted to snuggle you and be your caretaker. You cried when the mechs surrended you and the twins pranked you for the first time. Those twins! You were so mischievous when you played with the others. Blackstar, my little Blackstar, you are 11 vorns now. Still a youngling almost a femmeling. You were not the kind of youngling that talked, you were reserved. During my shifts, when I was not SIC yet, I used to go in your quarters because you always had nightmares. I hated to see you so frightened. You didn't like to go to recharge and Jazz always reassured you that any bot here on base would hurt you. I don't know what you lived when you were in presence of that murder but you always said it was your fault if they off-lined. Is that why you are acting this way with yourself?

**Optimus' POV**

I was in Red Alert's office when I saw Blackstar and Skyfire talking. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear their conversation. Recorded videos are not really helpful when you need audial evidences. I just saw Blackstar running away from Skyfire, she looked angry and he looked worried. I will wait for him to know what happened. I have my idea but I better be sure before to act.

**Blackstar's POV**

I'm tired, I drove for an hour at high speed. A police car chased me but thanks to my double alt-mode, I transformed into my jet alt-mod and took fly. Thanks Primus my creators had that ability and gave me their ability. Two alt-mode are really useful. I don't know where I am... Seriously, I just took fly and I did everything to get far away from the city. Now that I landed, the only things I see are trees, big trees and nothing more. Except a mountain but it's not that important. I think I will take a nap. Those Autobots won't find me!

**Jazz's POV**

I was listening to some of my dance music when Optimus called us through the comm. link. He fortunately called for those that more the closest Blackstar's friends. Hm... Well, I'm one of the closest friend of her. Oh slag. Well dance time, for next time. Hm... I will go talk with Prowl.

**Optimus' POV**

My officers came as quickly as they could. Ratchet, Ironhide, Prowl and Jazz. My high-ranked Autobots. I told them about the record I saw. I expected one of them to tell me they saw her or something about her but they all said they haven't seen her. I called for Skyfire. He came after few minutes and then began the interview.

"Skyfire, thank you for your presence." the flyer nodded. "Skyfire, would you please tell me what happened during your encounter with Blackstar."

"Sir, how do you know about that?"

"Skyfire, please don't ask and answer. Thank you." said Prowl sternly.

"I-I was heading to my laboratory when I saw her. I asked her how she was doing and then began a little chat. I knelt down to look into her optics when I saw..." he cut his sentence and looked at the floor. I have to know what happened next. I groan and nod at Skyfire to continue when he raised his head.

"I saw that cut. I don't know if she hurt herself by purpose but I got really concerned and I guess I overreacted. She ran away of me." He sighed.

"Thank you Skyfire. We're all going to look for her. Please, be subtle. If you find her, don't look at the cut. Just talk with her about nothing and anything." They all nodded and left the room. Now, time to have a little chat with Skyfire. He does need to know how to react if he sees another cut.

**Blackstar's POV**

The clouds are embracing the blue sky of the night. I can't see any star. All my around is dark. No life. I can't recharge when I'm not in my berth but I don't wanna get back to base. What if they start questioning me about that little thing? How boring is that! Why can't they let me alone? I just want to be alone. I won't do anything bad! Well that's what I think. I don't belong there. Why a femme like me would be accepted there? I don't have the potential to be a good front-liner. Front-liners don't accept defeats. Front-liners keep their cool down. They don't cry for everything. I wish I could be like them. I fear Decepticons. They off-lined my family. My sibling hid me behind a rock and that's when I saw all the scene. Wait... There is something weird in the sky. Is that- Seekers! My Primus! Please please, make them continue their fly. Protect me Primus!

**Prowl's POV**

I felt something in my chest. A slight pain. Something wrong has happened to somebot.

_:: Jazz, Ratchet, Ironhide, while you will be checking, look for anybot in distress. ::_ I ordered in a hurry tone.

_:: Why is that? Wow... How empty rooms can be. ::_ asked Jazz.

_:: I have the feeling that something bad happened to somebot. ::_ I simply replied running and checking quickly in the quarters looking for an injured bot or in distress.

_:: Prowl, sometimes yer feelings are wron' ::_ said Ironhide.

_:: But he might be right. ::_ added Ratchet agreeing, something he rarely did.

_:: Alright then. ::_ added Jazz.

_:: Prowl out. ::_ I continued my research with more awareness. Every quarters or room I entered, I hoped to find Blackstar or the bot in distress. What if that bot was Blackstar? What if she wasn't in the base and was in danger outside? She still was a youngling, with few battling experience. Yes she has training but she never has confronted a decepticon. What if that Decepticon toy with her? No no!

_:: Jazz here. I haven't found her. ::_

_:: Ironhide here. Either I have. ::_

_:: Ratchet here, I think I know who is the distressed bot. ::_ I knew Ratchet could be right but I didn't want to think about her being injured. That was something my CPU couldn't process.

_:: Do ya mean that Blackstar sent a kinda SOS message? ::_ asked Jazz.

_:: Prowl? ::_

_:: PROWL? ::_

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><p><strong>cliffhanger! I luvvvv cliffhangers! *evil grin*<strong>


	4. Slagging Seekers

**HELLO!**

**I know it took me like an eternity before to update... I know. Let's just say... I lost inspiration and I was about to give up and delete my account! It was serious guys! xD but suddenly.. BOUM ideas came! **

**I can't really say enjoy because it is not really enjoyable but... anyway! xD For you!**

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><p><strong>Third person's POV<strong>

"Well well well... What do we have here?" asked a tall mech landing rudely on the ground.

"looks like a seeker..."

"A seekerlet." added the other mech being the last to land.

"Oh Primus, it has been a long time since we haven't seen a seekerlet." commented a tricoloured mech.

"I'm not a see-seeker."

"Oh and she is a femme! Better then."

"She said she was not a seeker Starscream!" repeated Thundercracker with an annoyed tone.

"But she has wings! How can you not say she is a seeker?" asked Skywarp.

"I'm a semi-jet, semi-car." said the youngling shaking like pit.

"A double-changer uh?" asked Thundercracker getting closer to her.

"Don't make another step or-or I will-" She muttered scowling the dark seeker.

"Or what youngling? Oh by pure curiosity... Which side are you?" asked TC frowning.

**Blackstar's POV**

Since I noticed their speed slowing down in the night sky, I knew I was in danger. I knew those three seekers. How not to forget the faces of those that off-lined my family. I wanted to beat up those slaggers but they would surely win and they would probably off-line me like they did with my family. Now, it was not the time to play the invincible front-liner. In fact I was still not a fully trained front-liner but I considered myself like one. If I only just stayed back in base, nothing of this would have happened. I wouldn't be shaking like a coward if I only didn't runaway from cops. What do I have to say now? Should I say I'm a Decepticon? A neutral? An Autobot? What for Primus' sake? I glanced at them and murmured 'Decepticon'.

"Oh... A young Decepticon." exclaimed Starscream with a huge grin.

"We are in need of Decepticons you knew it? Why didn't you come to us before?" Asked TC quietly. He was an easy seeker but beware!

"I-I didn't know Decepticons had their own base like the Autobots do."

"How do you know about the Autofools?" Skywarp's words went out like it was normal to call them that. He sat on a dead tree and crossed his arms waiting for the answer.

"Autobots not Autofools!" It's the first time I hear D-cons calling them Autofools and I feel offended to the top. What's their problem to call them that! I will show them who I am. I will stop hiding myself and will tell them proudly that I'm an Autobot.

"I know them because... I am one." Their optics widened more than they already were. Thundercracker's jaw was almost touching the floor and Skywarp just flickered his wings, losing balance on the dead tree and ending falling on his back which caused him pain on his wings. Starscream...you know him right, he glared me to death. He growled and ran toward me. Thundercracker shook his head and came just after Starscream. About Skywarp, he was still laid on the ground. Two against a youngling... Uh-oh! Blackstar, stupid Blackstar, you are in deep troubles!

**Optimus' POV**

**::** Prowl! **::**

Ratchet told me about Prowl's sudden disappearing and it only meant that something was wrong. He never goes away without a word and the times he did, which were extremely rare, he always knew it why he acted that way. In this case, I know he has a valuable reason. I just want to make sure he is not in need of men right now but he seems to be not available to answer. My only hope is Blackstar. Yes, I know, 'why Blackstar?' would you ask. Prowl has showed a great need to protect her and every time we talk about her, he gets serious and determinate to help her. I asked him if he loved her as a daughter but never answered. He just gave me a stern look before to leave the meeting room. I know deep in his spark that he loves her like his creation. Since she came here, Prowl has always been protective or even overprotective with her. When the twins were messing with her, he took his time to teach them a good lesson. He has always acted like a father toward his daughter. About Blackstar, maybe, I say maybe, she feels the same toward Prowl. She is not an 'open' youngling. She just remain quiet and looks her around. Whenever somebot offence her, she does not react. She keeps everything. Now what worries me is Prowl and Blackstar. For some reason I can't explain, I know those two will soon be in a fight against somebot. Decepticons perhaps but Blackstar's training is not even complete at some point she could defend herself.

**Prowl's POV**

My spark was aching. Something was happening to Blackstar. I know it's about the kid because that ache only comes when it's about Blackstar. I have to find her quickly!

**Starscream's POV**

She was laying on the ground. Trying to protect herself of our kickings and punchings. She was begging for mercy but we don't show mercy to anybot, more to an autobot. I don't know why Skyswarp doesn't participate in that beating. She is an autobot after all! We offline autobots! But that bozo just keeps looking the scene.

"Skywarp!" I call for him so he will participate in that too but he doesn't move. That son of the pit! If he doesn't come, I will go get him!

"What do you want Starscream?" he asks me with a hit of anger in his voice. Oh! That's new.

"Come and give her of your medicine!" I grin at the image of Skywarp hurting her.

"I'm exhaust. I don't want to waste my energy on her."

"Is that true or you don't want to hurt her?" asks Thundercracker stepping on Blackstar's servo and putting pressure on it. She is yelling of pain. Good for her.

"Listen, she is a youngling. I won't hurt her because she hasn't done us anything." He narrowed his optics and looked at her.

"Very well. It's that so, I will do the job for you." said Thundercracker amused by the idea and moved away his heavy pede of Blackstar's servo. He was enjoying torturing her. I could see it on his face.

"Please! This is too much!" she was sobbing and complaining. How sad! She was trying to crawl so she would get herself out of the beaten.

"I'm so sorry. If you weren't an Autobot, nothing of this would have happened." I say with a sarcastic tone.

"Enough of chit-chat. Let's continue our fun."

"Pleaaaaaaaaaseeeeee stooop!" How I love to hear her pain through her voice. Time to shot on her wings. Wings are extremely sensitive, any bot knows it. Shot on wings and you will obtain a quick victory.

"Thundercracker, do it!" He prepares his weapon and places a pede on Blackstar back so she won't move.

"Farewell!"

**Prowl's POV**

This is taking too much time! The beat of my spark tells me I'm close to her but I don't hear any-

**"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

Blackstar? Was that scream from Black- BLACKSTAR!

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><p><strong>Sorry for my mistakes! Oopsi! <strong>

**Have a nice day! Take care of yourselves! :) **


	5. Think and desire

**A/N:**_ I'm alive, I'm alive! Yeah I know... Last time I updated, the dinosaurs were still on Earth! I know! Please, accept my apologies for being slow!_

_I love you all! :) Knowing you or not, I love you. Please, take care of yourselves and don't hesitate to talk when something is troubling you. No matter what is the situation. People will always be happy to help you! :)_

_Do not own TF, only my Blackstar._

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><p><strong>Blackstar's POV<strong>

You know when you feel like scrap. Like you are worth nothing. That you wish you could have never met life but sometimes, you feel lucky to still be living... Well sometimes, it happens I get into deep thoughts, thinking about everything and I end up saying out loud, I'm nothing here. Nothing that is worth to be loved. Only an amount of crap walking through events that I could have forbidden.

I can barely see where I am but I hear some familiar voices. I'm in good hands now. No more mech torturing me. I feel ashamed. I'm disgusted. I provoked it. If I only wouldn't have open my big trap nothing of this would have happened. I thought I was going to offline there. I was a bit scared to offline but at the same time, I dreamed for that day. I'm nothing now. Before that event, I was living a typical life like any other youngling. I started to act in a 'dangerous' way because I couldn't let my feelings out. Decepticons killed my creators. I-I still remember every single gesture they did before to offline. I remember every word that were pronounced. I was a spectator of the murder. Who am I to be here? I feel pain through all my frame. I can't move, I can only think. Thinking is my worse enemy. It can get way into deep depression or a low self-esteem. My family off-lined, that's a hard strike and now, those sons of the pit that dared to torture me...? No. What a shame. What a fragging shame. I'm fully conscious but my frame does not respond to my commands.

Cutting myself... Is it the only way to let out all those feelings? Is it? Is there another way? Is there something that could cure it?

**Ratchet's POV**

A week... Already a week that my young patient is in coma. Not even a little response from her that would give me hope she will soon be walking around in the base like she always used to do. Decepticons are sparkless. Why would they attack a youngling? I don't know why when I see her, I see her like she a fragile flower. Fading everyday. I'm dead worried. Prowl found her but in a bad condition. He is feeling guilty because of his lack of attention. He cares for that youngling.

She is mumbling! It means that she is slowly coming back to consciousness. I will keep praying Primus. She will soon be back with us.

**Blackstar POV**

A week and three days to be exact. My frame is stuck in that vegetative mode. Thanks the all good Primus, I start to feel my frame. What will happen when I will awake from that coma? Will they lecture me? Will they protect me more than the usual? Or will they just react like nothing happened? If I could only leave, I mean offline. I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. I have to disconnect that spark-marker and unplug the tubes related to my frame. Of what I heard, Ratchet explained Prowl that these tubes helped my energon to constantly be cleaned. Apparently, apart the beaten, the D-cons injected me a very strong poison. So it explains why I'm a vegetable. Ha ha ha sounds funny saying vegetable. Anyway, who knows, maybe I will be on pedes tomorrow, doing my stuff, having training sessions and all that. Who knows...

_*later*_

I hate crying. The only ones who cries are the weak! Nobot else. Yeah sparklings can, even younglings but not me! I can't. It's something I have forbidden myself. I cried enough when my parents were off-lined. I cried for months. Now, enough crying, reacting time. I have told myself I can't cry but when it happens, I hate myself and get angry. Pfff... A front-liner doesn't cry. There's sometimes when I wish I was a mech instead of a femme... Ya know. Mechs are stronger, they don't show their emotions and they know how to react in any case. I, just managed to get myself almost off lined. Why would my creators think about it? If they are in the heavens and that they keep an optic on me, I'm pretty sure they might be disappointed of what I am.

_*1 week after*_

**Ratchet's POV**

After the kid woke up, I warned her about the danger of being alone. She didn't look interested about my warnings. She was thoughtful. I had to get her out of her daydream in many occasions but she still seemed lost. I didn't want to talk about what I found on her frame during the week she was here. It might provoke a shock and we don't need that now. I let her go but accompanied by Prowl. He had not left the kid since she was brought in my medbay. Why did he do that? I don't know. If only this kid could talk to Prowl about her situation, it would help her a lot. I know it.

Primus, if you can hear me, help this youngling. She is going through a hard moment in her life and what she needs now is support, not disgrace. You always keep an optic on us, I plead you not to give up on her. Primus, hear me. Help her please.

**Blackstar POV**

Prowl is helping me to go to my quarters. He looks sad or upset. I don't know about what though. A little voice is screaming inside me. It is crying, calling for help. Why does it always happen when he is with me. Why doesn't it happens when I am with Bee, Jazz, Prime or Ratchet? What did you do Prowl so I could feel that need to talk to you? Did you cast a spell on me? I want to hug you. I know it sounds corny but I wish you could be my friend and always stay with me. I want to hang out with you and laugh instead of crying. When was the last time I laughed since I came here? I don't even remember. His spark's pulsations are strong. I can hear them. The only spark's pulsation I heard in my life are those of my creators when they were slowly dying. I cried over their chest, hearing how slowly the spark was dying. The beat was very slow. It went from a strong and constant beat to a weak and inconstant one. Prowl's beat remind me my Sire spark's beat. I feel this moment very awkward. How did I allow you to take me in your arms? I am not a weak youngling. I can walk by myself, that's why I have two pedes. I know it's stupid what I will say but thank you. I'm fighting with myself about this awkward moment but I also enjoy it. I feel so secured. Like nobot would dare to hurt or say something that might hurt me because you are there. I am tired. Would you mind if I rested my head on your chest? I want to hear those spark's beat closer. Would you mind?

**Prowl's POV**

She is so light. Something not normal for a youngling. Ratchet told me she was under the average of younglings' weight. Has she stopped to eat? Or is there something wrong with her internal system that may cause that lose of weight? That weakness? I don't know what she is living now but I wish I could help her. I may be the serious and boring one in the base but I'm like that because some goofy mechs need to be reminded that they are soldiers not kids. My job as second-in-command is to maintain order and keep the base save. If I can handle a military base and keep my people save, why couldn't I with her? Sometimes, a mech or a femme will not talk about his problems because she or most of the times, he is scared to show his real sentimental side. They think because they are soldiers, officers or even commanders they can't have a softie side or show their feelings which is a reality that I'm trying to vanish of their processors because it doesn't look like but keeping everything will someday be too big to bear. It becomes a burden. This kid needs me. I know it even if she hasn't told me directly. I will wait the right moment. I will wait for her. She seems tired. I can understand that. Her optics are slowly closing, her head is slowly resting against my chest but she seems to forbid herself to do so. Looks like she is waiting for an approval.

"It is okay Black, you can." I say softly, not even meeting her gaze. I tried to say it subtly so she won't feel embarrassed.

"Thank you." Her voice is so weak and soft that I barely heard it.

I keep walking down the hallway, observing from time to time the youngling. My youngling. The kid I have to save and show her she can earns her shine and wings again. She is mumbling some words in her sleep and I can hear them. I try to hug the kid tightly without waking her.

"I am here Blackstar, I'm here. And I won't give up on you because you are like my creation." I finally arrive to her quarters. I lay her down and tuck her in her berth. She moves a bit and continues her recharge. I'm feeling lucky to get at least a good friendship with her. We may not prank bots or spend time like friends usually do but she trusts me and I take it like a sign of friendship. Or even something else. I give her a goodnight kiss and a smile appeared on her face.

"I will always be there for you Blackstar. Always."

I leaving shutting the door and making my way to my office. Someday, she will talk to me about her problems. Someday.

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><p><strong>AN:**_ Okie okie... Kiddos, only 3 chaps more and the story is over. Doesn't look like eh? But yeah... Chaps coming would be a bit longer. Thank you for your patience with my story or the others if you are a follower of any other story! ^_^ May you be blessed!_


	6. Over

_**A/N:** Because I don't update doesn't mean I forgot about the story. Updates this year will be faster than last year. Goodness how shameful to be an updater like I am! Sorry guys!_

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><p>I wake up desperately as I get the sudden need to cry. I breath in and out trying to calm down. My quarter is dark. I'm a failure. That's what I'm thinking right now. I'm a failure. I think I use all kind of bad words every night, when I'm lonely in the darkness of my quarter. I say a bible of negative things of myself and I fall asleep thinking on them. I know I am not helping myself but what else can I do when it is the only thing that lives in my processor?<p>

I want to draw a star. I really like Stars. Shinning little stars. I have no canvas to draw it... I should do on my frame. Somewhere nobot will see. But it isn't enough. I have to do more than a star. I have to feel the energon leak on my arms, on my legs, on my chest. I have to see that beautiful colour. I have to feel that relieving pain and enjoy the beauty of cutting. I shall prepare everything to hide it after. Someday, it will go deeper and deeper and it might cause my death but seriously, I don't care. If I die, pffft, no bot cares! Every time before I start, I breath deeply and close my optics. When you know it hurts, you don't want to do it but you know it is the only way to feel free only for a moment. Just for a moment. A moment that last not even six hours. I have to cut, at morning, at noon, at evening and before to sleep. What an useless schedule of mine. To be honest, I cut more than five times a day. Depending on my mood, my day, my feelings or what people told me.

The pain... I would rather feel real pain instead of that pain in my spark. I used to live with it but now, it's intolerable. I love how cruel I am with myself. I love feeling my frame hurting to the pit. I love to know I make art without wasting material.

..._(cut)_

How beautiful. The pain becomes a drug. I can't stop it. I love the feeling. More! I need more! A cut isn't enough. More! Just one more! I promise myself I won't do it ever again.

... _(Cuts)_

I hate myself. I want to kill myself. Why? I'm curled into a little ball in the corner of my quarter, crying like a stupid bitch. I can't accept it anymore. I must end with my days! The only good thing I can do is self-harming myself. Even when I cry, I scratch my face with my fingers and bang my head against the wall. I hate my life. It hurts. My spark hurts. Wish I could scream. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I fragging hate my ugly and stupid and worthless self. I hate myself.

_**~days later~**_

"Blackstar! Come out of your quarter now! You haven't eaten for three days! Come out!"

Ratchet is banging at my door like an insane. I don't want to leave my quarter. My quarter is my world. My quarter is my crime scene and not even a mouse can enter it. Energon everywhere. My berth is dirty of it. My floor is full of energon spots. I want to die. I'm extremely hungry but if I leave my world, they'll ask me thousand of questions and won't let me get back to my room without spending some time with Smockscreen. The stupid and lazy psychologist. If I die, I will die with my tears, my silent screams, my pain, my sadness, my dried energon and my story.

Please, just let me go. At least, give me some dignity before to die. I've lost dignity years ago. But I will make sure to have some killing myself with my own hands.

"**BLACKSTAR! OPEN NOW! IF YOU DON'T, WE'LL BE FORCED TO OPEN THE DOOR WITH EXTREME MEASURES!**" He is yelling and that just makes me want to die quicker. I take my favourite toy; a small blade. I close one of my optics and blade in hands, I aim for a vital wire. Right on my wrist. I remove my metallic part of my wrist, which protects my main wires and I take a deep breath.

I've heard cutting right there hurts like hell. But it won't hurt... Not on me.

Goodbye stupid people! I hate you all just like you hated me! I want you to cry and see how worthy I was! You didn't care for my real self. You only cared for the youngling you taught, saw and talked to during these years. You'll feel guilty for not understanding me. You'll cry over my dead frame begging Primus to bring me back but he doesn't even care about myself. Don't waste your time you fools. Not on a shit like I am.

I'm shaking. I feel the need to throw up. I'm scared but I MUST do it. I slowly cut my vital wire and whimper of pain. It hurts. A lot. I keep cutting it until energon leaks like a river. The deeper the blade goes, the unbearable is the painful. I want to stop but that would be extremely coward coming from me. I've been coward too much these last months. Pain. Ohh dear pain. I can't continue. I feel tears falling on my cheeks. I'm crying. No, not because I'm scared, simply because I have pity of myself. I wish I could help myself but I'm just destroying it. Why didn't he help me? Why can't I have a friend always with me? I need to feel secured. I need to be loved. I need to be accepted like I am. Too many younglings have called me ugly, stupid, crybaby, worthless, coward, hypocrite, schizophrenic, cruel and I'll stop the list now. It hurts to remember all those moments. I received 'help' from adults who thought they'll have an effect on me but they just made the situations worse. I hate them. I don't trust them. I trust no bot!

I feel extremely weak now. My frame is supported by a wall. I'm still shaking and the painful has become even greater. I've never seen my energon leaking like today. It doesn't stop. It looks like a mini river. Just like I wanted. The shining star is leaving the constellation. I can see her falling from her brothers and sisters' hands at an extreme speed. In less than an hour, the fading star will brutally fall on a dead planet. No one will ever remember the star she was. They'll forget her. How sad to end like this. I never wanted to die like today. Too sad. Pitiful.

I completely close my optics not having enough strength to keep them open. I allow my frame to rest from all the pain it has endured these terrible months and I let my last tears fall without shame. I hear loud bangs on my door. They are trying to come in my room. Sorry guys, it'll be too late.

It's over.

Just the way I expected yesterday.

Over.

Why? Someone, please, tell me something sweet before to leave.

Over... I can't-

"BLACKSTAR! NOOOO!" I run to her side noticing all the energon leaking from her wrist. She is unconscious. "Hang on kid! Hang on!" I can't keep my tears to fall. Why did she do that? I feel extremely sad seeing her slowly leaving our world. Maybe, this world wasn't made for her. I can't accept it. I didn't help her at all. This is all my fault. Ratchet is trying to stop the wire to leak more energon but the cut is too deep.

Looking at the small unconscious frame makes me sick. I try to get on my feet and walk around in her room nervously. I notice all the energon on her sheets, on the floor, on blades used, on her frame. Her scars are noticeable. So many of them. "You better don't die! You hear me!?" I cry in despair. If she dies, I will definitely be ashamed of myself for not helping her. She needed me and I never came to her. I always waited for her to come but I did wrong.

All the base is alarmed by the situation. They're all concerned. Especially those who knows her well. Ratchet is trying to save her and I, well I just stay sit on her berth. Waiting for her.

... _*cries*_ "I'm so sorry Blackstar, I should've helped you. What kind of friend am I?" I fall asleep on her berth but wake up hours later after hearing a weird sound. I try to find where it comes from and slowly walk in the corridors. They're all sleeping, except for those doing their shift at night.

"Prowl... Good news! Ratchet saved Blackstar!" Ironhide looks at me with a weird smile. "But she lost too much energon is this caused her internal system to cause some permanent problems."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Ask Ratchet about it. I'm not the good one to answer your questions." He places his heavy hand on my shoulder and leaves.

"Thanks Primus!" I feel calm. She is safe, now it's my turn to win her trust. That's my new mission.

* * *

><p><em>2:15 am... I'm tired! Half sleep! XD you understand now why I don't update often? Because I write my chapters at night and I love sleeping so I let my stories away and sleep! XD<em>

**_~lilskystar~_**


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